1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
