wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
