you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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