Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
