I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
