You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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