I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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