a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
