I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
