listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
But theres a keg here and me gusta
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
