Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
