he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
