I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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