it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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