its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
