I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
