So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
