I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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