i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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