i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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