When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
