I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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