I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
