I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
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I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
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Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
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