she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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