im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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