i love accidental penises.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
