Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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