You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
