If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
