The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
