Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
