it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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