New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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