I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
