rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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