My friends, they love my intelligence
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
