i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I need moral support for this bender
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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