And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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