Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
