When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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