Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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