Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So many bounce houses so little time
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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