i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
