he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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