apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
