get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
