Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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