I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
