"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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