Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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