Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
