ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
