We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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