you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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