Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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