can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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